The Serpent, The Heavenly Body, & The Rainbow
by Emcee
Summary: Um.....Jeff tells the story of how his brother's love life changed forever.....I think that's it. I don't know, read it. Tell me what you think or DIE! Heh, no, I just kid....
1. The Begining

The Serpent, The Heavenly Body, & The Rainbow  
  
By: Plum Hardy  
  
Chapter One: The Beginning  
  
Ya know, even now I still don't know how my brother and my friend got together. I mean I was there the entire time but I still can't believe it even now. It's weird. Anyway, I'll tell you. This is how the story goes.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Come on Jeffers, Pleeease!" she begged.  
  
"No! Why me? And besides my dad would kill me." I replied.  
  
"It would be so hot on you," my friend started, "anyway, you can always tell your dad I forced you to do it. He LOVES me."  
  
"Angel, your crazy." I sighed.  
  
She smirked and replied, "I know."  
  
"I hate you."  
  
An hour and a half later I came out after a grand introduction from Angel. The first thing I see is my brothers amused face.  
  
"Come on Matt. What do ya think?" I'm completely terrified to hear what he has to say since I have yet to see it.  
  
Matt smiles at me and says, "Well, at least dad will lay off on me a little and yell at you."  
  
"What, get suspended again?" I joked.  
  
"Yup." he grinned at Angel and I.  
  
"That's sad. Even I didn't get suspended yet this week." Angel stated sounding slightly shocked. (AN: Damn that's a lot of "S's")  
  
We all heard dad's truck pull up.  
  
Matt looked at me and said, "Better hide, 'Rainbow.'"  
  
I ran up the stairs as Angel escaped through the backdoor. 


	2. The Whoreable Impersonation

Chapter Two: The Whore-able Impersonation  
  
I hid on the stairs as dad yelled at Matt. Matt kept trying to explain why he had gotten in to ANOTHER fight.  
  
"But dad the guy was all over Amy and wouldn't leave her alone!"  
  
"Matt you should have tried to some other way. Fighting is not acceptable and I won't have it. And what are college's going to think when they see that on your record?" my father replied furiously.  
  
"That I'm very protective of the people I care about."  
  
At this point I went to my room. Matt's such an idiot. I can't believe he talked back to dad like that. I need to talk to somebody about this. I picked up the phone and dialed Angel's number.  
  
"Let's see...2-7-0-1-9-7-3." I put the phone to my ear and waited.  
  
One ring...two rings...three rings. I was about to hang up when I heard...  
  
"Hello?" a woman's voice answered.  
  
It was Angel's aunt, Lorelai. She was cool and extremely nice.  
  
"Hey Miss Lorelai, it's Jeff. Is Angel home?" I asked politely.  
  
"Of course, sweetie. I'll go find her meanwhile, how are you? I haven't seen you in a while."  
  
I smiled. Lorelai always worried about us even when she doesn't have to. "I'm doing good except for the fact that I can't let my father see me because of what Angel did to me. How's work?"  
  
"It's great. What'd she do to you?" She queried.  
  
"I got it!" I heard behind her voice. "You can hang up now!"  
  
"Bye Jeff." Lorelai responded with a sigh.  
  
"Bye Miss Lorelai. Hey Ang."  
  
"Oh, Hi Jeffers, what's crack-a-lackin'?" Angel cheerfully exclaimed.  
  
I laughed. "Nothing, just waiting for dad to stop yelling at Matt." I could see her face in my mind and I knew as I said that her eyes got wide and her jaw dropped open. My smile got bigger.  
  
"You-you mean he's still getting yelled at?"  
  
"Mmyep. It's crazy. Pops is really mad this time." I sighed.  
  
"Well, do you know what he did?" She questioned.  
  
"He beat up some guy."  
  
"Since when did Matt turn into me." She uttered sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.  
  
"I don't know but does that mean that you are now him?" I asked excitedly.  
  
"I guess so. Hey, I'm Matt and I date a big dumb twat." She impersonated.  
  
"Well, let me tell you first off that was the worst male voice and the worst southern accent I've ever heard. And secondly, you forgot ugly" I laughed.  
  
Did I tell you guys that we hate Matt's girlfriend? If not, then we do. We REALLY do. She's rude, inconsiderate, mean, cruel, stupid, air headed, pig headed, selfish, and just a plain bit - I mean WITCH, witch! A well, it gives us something to laugh about. 


	3. Attack Of The Radioactive Hampsters From...

Chapter 3: Attack Of The Radioactive Hamsters From A Planet Near Mars  
  
Jeff and Angel were leaning up against a row of gross looking greenish lockers when a bite-sized Japanese girl walked up wearing a cute brown shirt with a matching top.  
  
"Dude, what happened to you hair?" the small Japanese girl, Asami, exclaimed. "Did you melt Skittles and put it on your hair?"  
  
Jeff gave her an odd look, "No. That bitch over here," he motioned his head in Angel's direction, "held me hostage and did shit to it!"  
  
"You liar! You came willingly...eventually..." She retorted.  
  
"Well, Jeff if it makes you feel any better, I brought Japanese candy for you guys." Asami taunted.  
  
Angel's eyes widened. "Japanese candy?"  
  
"Yay!" Jeff and Angel cried out in sync.  
  
Matt walks over to the small group curious to what's going on.  
  
Angel looks at Matt and says, "Matt's here!"  
  
Once again Angel and Jeff yell "Yay!"  
  
The bell rings through out the hallway and a teacher walks up and tells them to get to class.  
  
Angel cries out, "Go to class!"  
  
"Ya-aww..." The loud duo sigh.  
  
Matt looks over at Asami and asks, "You brought Japanese candy again, didn't you?"  
  
Asami starts to look around, not wanting to rest her eyes on one place for too long. "No..."  
  
Matt points at her an yells out, "Liar! I see shifty eyes!"  
  
"Hey, that's my line." Angel growled. She narrowed her eyes and starts drumming her fingers together and says, "Well played, Hardy."  
  
Asami smiles, "As long as were on the subject. Why are we walking like this?"  
  
Jeff makes a noise that sounds like something breaking and they all laugh.  
  
Jeff and Asami head off to go to their first hour science class while Angel goes to history and Matt to English lit. 


	4. Stand Back You Know The Rest

Chapter 4: Stand Back...Oh, You Know The Rest  
  
Angel and Shane sat in their history class. They were supposed to be watching a video about Geronimo, but would have fallen asleep if they were paying any attention.  
  
"But seriously, which X-men would you have like to have been?" Shane asked getting angry.  
  
"I told you I don't know. It's too hard to decide! Jean is hot and she has the cool 'I can read your mind thing', but she is dating Cyclops. Rogue can suck out peoples' life juice by touching them, but she can't have sex. My cousin thinks I would be Storm, but everyday I would hear 'Damn it Angel, I didn't bring an umbrella.' And Wolverine is all 'Schnickity, schnickity, SCHNOY!'" Angel imitated his hand movements, "but the metal would hurt like a bitch coming out."  
  
Shane got annoyed, "Wait, you hate Cyclops? What wit dat!"  
  
"Dude, his name is Cyclops and he has TWO EYES!"  
  
"Your point?"  
  
"Anyways, I'm thinking I'd want to be Nightcrawler. He's bomb ass!" Angel said with a smirk.  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
"So Jeff, I was thinkin' if I was 3 and 4 with 1/2 of 4 inches, I bet I could fit in Daniel Bedingfield's pocket."  
  
"Asami, why did you just say 4 and 1/8 of an inch?" Jeff asked in confusion.  
  
"Cause it sounds cooler my way!" She told him as she put on her headphones and started jamming to "Gotta Get Thru This."  
  
MEANWHILE  
  
'I am so bored. So bored I would rather watch a movie with Orlando Bloom in it than listen to Mr. Jackass' lecture." Matt thought bitterly as his teacher Mr. Lisac kept droning on and on about Shakespeare in a monotone voice. "I hate him so much. Just wanna punch him in the face. A lot. I wonder how he is still working here after he slapped that one chick. Stupid violent bastard. Wait, does it make me a violent bastard cause I wanna hit him. Now I'm confused. I can't be a violent bastard because it's his fault right. I mean he's so BORING. Why am I thinking so much about this? Fuck it, I'm gonna go to sleep.' 


	5. Car Full Of Midgets

Chapter 5: Car Full Of Midgets  
  
Asami was walking down the hallway to her second hour class as she sang along with her CD, "When your love is pouring like the rain. I close my eyes and it falls again. When will I get the chance to say 'I love you...'" She stopped in front of her friend Shannon who was also quite short for his age. "Hey, Shan. What's crack-a-lackin'?"  
  
"I'm scared of you." Shannon told her bluntly.  
  
"Aww, why?"  
  
He looked at Asami strangely and replied, "You sing all the way here and then stop in front of me and say, "When will I get the chance to say 'I love you.' Ya psycho!"  
  
Asami got a wrathful gleam in her eye and yelled, "You just don't understand the power of Daniel Bedingfield singing in his house naked!" She turned and started to trudge over to her seat. She stopped mid-way, turned and screamed, "And you like it up the ass!" Asami then turned back smiling and walked over and took her seat.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Matt, Shane, Jeff, and Angel all sat in their French class listening to their teacher, Madam Greenlee, speak.  
  
"Now c'mon you guys, you have to at least speak the words of the song. It will help you to remember how to conjugate the word "avoir" for tomorrow's test." Mme. Greenlee then started the song and the class sang...  
  
The small group sighed and started.   
  
"J'ai chaud. j'ai chaud.  
  
Tu as, tu as chaud.  
  
Il a, il a chaud.  
  
Elle a, elle a chaud.  
  
Nous avons, nous avon chaud.  
  
Vous avez, vouz avez chaud.  
  
Ills ont, Ills ont chaud.  
  
Elles ont, elles on chaud."  
  
Madame stopped the tape and said, "Now, 'chaud' means 'hot'. The next verse will be 'J'ai froid, j'ai froid.' And so on." She started the tape again.  
  
Matt leaned over and whispers, "Five seconds, pass it on."  
  
Shane looked at Angel and said, "Four seconds, pass it on."  
  
Angel nodded and purred, "Three seconds."  
  
Jeff smiled and murmured, "Two seconds," to himself.   
  
"Go!" Matt screamed as the quartet grabbed their stuff and ran out of the class as the bell rang. 


	6. The Twat Has Landed

Chapter Six: The Twat Has Landed  
  
"So I sure do love free period." Jeff grinned.  
  
"Asami, please forgive me. I'm sorry!" Shannon whined.  
  
"Aww, cute..." Angel sarcastically remarked at poor Shannon's plea. "But now it is time for some music.  
  
Angel pulled out her portable CD player as Shane pulled out his mini speakers.  
  
Although, Shane, after reading too many comics heroically stated, "Together, we must join forces and combine out musical instruments of technology and save us from...SILENCE!"  
  
"Yeah," Matt said, "I'm just gonna take these now." As he gently slid Shane's comics towards himself.  
  
And the all of a sudden a annoying voice screeched out, "Maaaaatt!"  
  
Matt jumped up and his face brightened as his girlfriend Amy Dumas walked up. The group collectively groaned as she and Matt embraced.  
  
"Not this harpy again." Someone moaned.  
  
"She's such a bitch. I saw her yell at some girl because her locker door was in the way of her own. She didn't even ask her to move it even. She just started fucking yelling at her!" Asami said in shock as she narrowed her eyes at the girl.  
  
"I hate her so much! She's such a hag and she treat's Matt so badly and he doesn't even relies it. I just want to beat the ever-living shit outta her." Angel growled as she clenched her fists.  
  
"She worse than when Poison Ivy, Cat Woman, and The Joker all teamed up in issue number one-hundred eighty-seven of Batman." Shane added in angrily.  
  
The other four looked at him and Jeff said, "Dude, YOU have issues."  
  
"Mmmm, ketchup." Angel grinned.  
  
"What are you talking about, I don't have my own comic."  
  
"So, let's get the fuck out of here and away from THAT bitch, and THIS dumbass." Shannon told the rest as he got up to leave.  
  
"Hey, you can't leave me here! Wait uh-up!" he whined. 


	7. Cheese Is Nice

Chapter Seven: Cheese is Nice  
  
The group minus one member skipped to the lunch grounds outside.  
  
"I can't believe he ditched us, again!" Angel exclaimed. "The fucking whore."  
  
"Um, actually, didn't we kinda ditch him and go out hear? Also, Angel, whore's do need to fuck to become a whore. Therefore what you just said is repetitive." Jeff replied.  
  
"No," Asami started, "He left the table to go hang with her. He ditched us. It's like it's a Thursday when I want it to be Sunday, Sunday so I can get a burger for twenty-five cents at McDonalds."  
  
"Right...it's just like that..." Angel told her sarcastically.  
  
"Well, do not fear Citizen Angel, Citizen Asami, I'm sure young Matthew will soon realize his mistake in dating the ugly cunt. But for now...I don't want to finish out the day. I have two classes with 'It.'" Shane comforted.  
  
"Yeah, but Matt will be pissed if we skip class without him. Besides, he's the only one who can legally drive and has a car." Jeff informed.  
  
"If only Daniel Bedingfield were here, he'd know what to do...right Asami?" Shannon sucked up.  
  
"That didn't have anything to do with what we were talking about, you dumbass!" Asami started bitterly. "And you still like it up the ass!"  
  
Everyone except Asami's eyes got wide.  
  
"Say whaaaat?!" Screamed Shane.  
  
"Um, oops?" 


	8. The Nickolai Volkauf Situation

Chapter Eight: Nickolai Volkauf Situation  
  
The five teenagers walked into the school to look for Jeff's older brother. Shane and Jeff staying as far away from Shannon as possible while still being in the group.  
  
"Honestly guys, I'm not gay and I DON'T like it up the ass. Asami's just saying that cuz I insulted Daniel Bedingfield." Shannon explained.  
  
"Yeah right, Shan. Even Jeff's not that dumb!" Shane replied.  
  
"Hey, since were on the topic of being gay..." Angel started.  
  
"Donny?!" Asami asked.  
  
"No, Matt." She said. "Jeff you never explained how Matt got his suspension lifted."  
  
Jeff just stared at her. "How does that remind you of Matt?"  
  
"Well," she stated, "either your dad called the school and made a big fuss or Matt slept with the principal."  
  
Now everyone was staring. Then Shannon interrupted.  
  
"And everyone thinks I'm gay?!"  
  
"And now, to question you on that is two giggling girls!"  
  
"So, like, do you have a girlfriend?" Giggling girl number one asked.  
  
Shannon looked down and replied, "No..."  
  
"See, I told you...*insert girly teenage giggle here*" Giggling girl number two said to Giggle girl number one.  
  
"This stinks." Sighed Shannon. 


	9. So I Like The Word Fuck

Chapter Nine: So, I Like The Word Fuck  
  
"Anyways," Angel said, "what'd he do?"  
  
"In all honesty, I have no idea." Jeff told the clique, "I bet the whore bribed the principal. You know how he has a soft spot for her."  
  
"Yeah it's his limp dick!" Shannon growled.  
  
"And how would you know, huh?" Asami looked at him. "Oh, right, it's cause you like it up the ass!"  
  
Shannon looked at her like he was going to cry and then just put his head down in sadness.  
  
"Now, c'mon guys. If anyone likes it up the ass, it Mrs. 'Orlando' Rose." Angel intervened.  
  
They group nodded as if saying, "True...true..."  
  
Just then Matt came running up to us waving madly and grinning like an idiot. But then again, that's Matt for ya...  
  
"Hey guys. What's up?" Matt asked still grinning.  
  
"Nothing just hangin'. But, um, I gotta go to the bathroom." Angel said.  
  
"Yeah, I gotta go to my locker, too." Asami looked around at everybody.  
  
"Well, you guys go with her and I'll meet you all there, okay?"  
  
The guys just shrugged and started walking. Angel started walking in the opposite direction. As she turned the corner Angel stopped dead in her tracks. Then turned and bolted.  
  
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" Angel was spinning out. She looked back over the corner and then turned back. "Oh no!" 


	10. So I Fucked Wayne Static

Chapter Ten: I Fucked Wayne Static  
  
Angel walked over to her friends, who were standing by the ever-gross looking lockers, with her head cast down.  
  
'Zue, what am I gonna say? I can't tell them what I saw.' Angel thought. 'Aw, man. I'm gonna have nightmares and therapy for the rest of my life.'  
  
"Hey Angel." Asami greeted.  
  
Matt frowned. "Jeez, what took you so long? Did you stop to think and forget to start again?"  
  
"Angel? Think? C'mon Matt," Shane started in. "That would never happen."  
  
"Fuck you, Shane!" Angel growled.  
  
"Whoa, Ang, calm down. You okay?" Jeff asked.  
  
"Yeah. Can we just get outta here already?"  
  
"Um, sure. Guys, ready to go?" Jeff looked at them. They nodded.  
  
Everyone was silently thinking about Angel's outburst. When they all got to the car Angel, Asami, Jeff, Shane, and Shannon played rock, paper, scissors to see who got shot gun. Angel won. Asami, Jeff, Shane, and Shannon then played again to see who got bitch-seat. Shannon lost. Jeff got in and sat behind Matt. Then in bitch seat was Shannon and next to him came Shane. Asami being the smallest got to lay across them.  
  
"Now that's what I call comfy!" Asami smiled evilly. 


End file.
